Navigating life with a teenager….who happens to have bipolar disorder

Posts tagged ‘behavior’

Diving Off the Deep End of the PEER

 

I found out recently that people in my life, both friends and family, feel that I am a bit of a know it all.  I could have been offended at this knowledge, but surprisingly, I wasn’t.   I personally don’t think anybody could be a true know it all, but I did think I knew a lot……….a lot about myself, my life, my kiddo’s life and our journey.  I knew these things because I had opened my mind and embraced my ability to learn.  This week I tested that ability and embarked on an adventure that would drive me to seek a deeper understanding of myself and my willingness to use that knowledge to help others.  Over the course of the week I learned more about things I thought I knew and I learned about things I didn’t realize that I didn’t know.  Most importantly, I learned about sharing my experiences in an effective way, instead of an intrusive ‘know it all’ way.

willing to learn

 

One of the beautiful aspects of the state of Georgia is that it’s Department of Behavioral Health and Developmental Disabilities is one of the pioneering agencies in the field of mental health services…..specifically, in Peer Support Services.  For many years there have been adults working in the position of a Certified Peer Specialist in the fields of mental health and addiction recovery.  After years of advocacy for both families and youth, there are now emerging groups of Peer Specialists that are specifically centered around youth living with these challenges and parents of people living with these challenges.  This week I joined their ranks and completed my training to become a Certified Peer Specialist-Parent.

What is a Peer Specialist?  We are people who have ‘been there and done that’.  We are people who can use all of the knowledge we have gained, the experiences we’ve had and, most importantly, the emotions we have felt to provide support to others who are walking the same path.  We are the people who will ask “How are you?” ……and then listen to the answer without hesitation or judgement.

howWally

 

At the beginning of the week, I felt strong in the knowledge that I possessed all of the skills I needed to be the best Peer Support Parent possible.  What I learned, after lots of tears and self reflection, was that I don’t need to have all of the answers…… I don’t need to fix everyone around me…… I should simply be there when they need someone who understands.  I also learned that I have been drowning myself in service to others, always feeling that just because I have the ability to do something means I have to.  It was eye-opening for me to realize that I can take a breather from other’s lives to focus on myself and not feel guilty……..and that’s ok.   I didn’t learn this from the curriculum,  power points or exams…..I learned this by walking in the door every morning to 20 people who understood me before they even knew me.  I learned this by having virtual strangers sincerely asking me about my well-being every morning.   I learned this by having these strangers become caring friends by the end of the week.  In my daily life, I have a wonderful ‘mom’ friend who gets me, I have supportive friends at NAMI who get me, but having this large group of peers surround me and envelop me in kindness and understanding every day this week was a life changing experience.

As parents of special needs kiddos, we live our lives for our children and families first…….and then we love to educate others about what we know.  I have been doing this in an effort to make this world a better place for my child and others like him.  For a long time I felt that I was fighting this war alone.   I didn’t realize that by doing this to the extent I do, I am stretching myself thin.  I know I spout about self-care to others often, but I rarely follow my own advice.  I find it funny that it took me taking a class in an effort to help others to teach me to help myself.

Just goes to prove that this world is full of things that I don’t know. So I thank my teachers this week, all of my peers who taught me that’s it’s alright to care for myself and opened my eyes to the fact that I’m not in this alone.  I have warriors by my side.  Alone, I might be able to change the world, but I will burn out quickly.  As a group, we can give each other strength and a little bit of relief that we can take on the world together…….and go so much farther in our efforts.

keep-calm-and-ask-for-peer-support

When Our Most Important Computer Crashes- The Importance of Support

cropped-Computer-repair-pc-repair-IT-Support

In our world, we tend to take the technology around us for granted until something bad happens. Imagine your computer screen started flashing uncontrollably……..  Imagine your new tablet refused to download your favorite apps. ……or even worse, imagine if your phone deleted all of your contacts and you couldn’t retrieve them. How would you feel?  Frustrated, Disconnected, not in control?  What would you do? You might try to fix the problem on your own, but if you can’t, it could result in the device being thrown against the wall in frustration, so you call support ……and then you use a working device to go on FB and tell all of your friends about every detail of your tech challenges.

Computer support companies are one of the fastest growing small businesses.  We now see IT support services on every street corner and in every shopping center.  It’s supply and demand.  We need support, they provide support, and then, of course, we tell all of our friends about our experience.

So, why is it that when it comes to our most complex, important computer, we are afraid to call support, we are afraid to identify the problem and we rarely tell our friends? Just like any piece of technology, our brains have the ability to malfunction, and just like any piece of technology, we need to service them.

Now, imagine you start having hallucinations……..imagine you have a hard time speaking or writing……even worse, imagine that your favorite memories have slipped from your mind.  How would you feel?  Frustrated, disconnected, not in control?

Mental illness happens when the brain is not functioning optimally.  Generally speaking, our brain has neurotransmitters and receptors. Just like any plug and outlet, if the neurotransmitter does not connect with the receptor in the right way, the flow of information is not going to get where it needs to go.  A treatment plan, therapy and medication can be a wonderful way to get your ‘system’ up and running again, but it is only one type of support.

In my opinion the most important supports to help you maintain treatment are the natural supports around you….your community.  Family, friends (both physical and virtual), support groups, church members, team members……any people who you are connected with on an emotional level.  When you are dealing with a mental health crisis, the people in your emotional world are the best to help hold you up.  When we don’t reach out to them is when we feel the most frustrated and disconnected.

So, call a psychiatrist or a therapist as your IT support……and then let your friends know that you need back up support.  The more people you reach out to, the more people who become educated…..and the more people who become educated, the less stigma there will be about mental health.  Maybe, just maybe, you will eventually find good therapists on every street corner and in every shopping center.

It’s supply and demand.  We need support, now go find the support and then tell all of your friends about your mental health challenges. Maybe, in the process, we all might stop taking our most valuable computer for granted……and maybe, just maybe, we will feel a little less frustrated, a little more connected and a lot more in control.

16 Steps Forward, One 17 Foot Drop Back

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It’s Not About Being Selfish…..It’s About Self-Care

If-we-neglect-taking-care-of-ourselves

“If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help you find a solution.”…..I have found myself saying that to my son a lot in recent months. As parents of children with special needs, we tend to always be on the search for solutions to our kiddos challenges…..but how often do we search for solutions to our own challenges?

One of the things that has helped me in recent years was finding a caregiver’s support group.  I am going to be honest, in the beginning, I felt guilty.  Up until then, my ‘alone time’ was grocery shopping by myself……but that was still doing something for my family.  Once I started going to support group, I was taking a couple of hours a month to do something for myself.  After a while, though, I realized that I wasn’t just doing it for me, I was doing it for everyone in my family.  It helped me to express my feelings to other people who understood what my life was like.  It helped me to relate to my son better.  It helped me and my husband communicate better.

There are so many of us that don’t have a great personal support system.  When our child was diagnosed with a mental illness or neurological disorder, many of our family members or friends simply didn’t understand.  Our child’s school didn’t understand.  There were even medical professionals that didn’t understand.  Once you are sitting in a room with a group of people who have been in your shoes, it can be a life altering experience.

If you are in a situation where you do not have a support system around you, it is important to find the support you need using alternate avenues.  There are many ways to do that.  I am listing a few links that can help you find resources or support groups in your area.  Please take time for you, so you can take care of them.

National:

NAMI

Mental Health America

Center for Parent Information and Resources

Here in Georgia:

Georgia Parent Support Network

have the courage to ask

The Power of the Share – An Experiment with Social Media

As I was scrolling through Facebook the other day, I saw a shared picture.  Like many I have seen before, it was of a teacher holding up a sign that asked for people to like and share their picture so their students would understand the power of social media.  This one was slightly different though, it also said “so they can understand that we all have the power to change the world”.  Do we though?  Does liking and sharing a post on social media allow us to change the world…….well, it could…..if people were actually paying attention.

Like many of you, I have seen these types of posts for years.  Almost all of them have traveled the globe with thousands of likes attached.  Never have I seen them with a message other than the initial like and share request.  It is easy for someone to hit that share button, but what if there was a message attached? Would they read it?

I have been writing this blog about parenting my child with a bipolar diagnosis for over a year now.  I started it to try to make a difference in society regarding mental health.  I would love to end the stigma that surrounds people with a mental health diagnosis and their families.  I would love to educate those who don’t understand our lives.  I have found that my blog is not quite doing what I intended it to.

I have a small, loyal group of readers.  Most of them understand this life and it helps to know they are not alone.  I am proud that I have reached some people who truly appreciate what I am trying to do here….but I wish I could reach more.  I wish I could break through to the teachers who have treated my son like he was more trouble than he was worth.   I wish I could break through to the health care workers that sat in their seats and whispered (loudly) about how horrible a parent I was because my son was having a meltdown.  I wish I could break through to the neighbor who doesn’t allow my son on his lawn because he feels that his mental health diagnosis is a threat.  The challenge is that I can’t break through those walls if the only people reading this blog are those in the know.  There is a saying I have heard many times within NAMI support groups, “You can’t know what you haven’t been told”.  Well, I am going to add “People can’t hear you if they don’t know to listen”.

I an effort see if I can get more people to listen….and to see if we can really change the world with social media…..I have decided to do a little experiment.  Facebook has changed the way this blog posts in recent months.  People used to click on the picture I connected with my blog and it would immediately open the post.  Now, it simply opens the picture with a link to the post.  I am putting a picture with this blog, much like those of the many teachers that are trying to get 100,000 likes.  If it is shared and liked, the blog link will be attached.  We will see if more people read because we are shared via picture on social media. We will see if people can see beyond the picture.  We will see if we can change the world and end the stigma, one like at a time.

SIGN

If you are a new person reading this blog post due to clicking on the link…..BRAVO!!! You are the type of person that just might help us change the world.  Please aid us in educating society so we can erase the stigma of mental illness.

*NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness – for more information or to find a support group in your area go to:  http://nami.org/

 

Shall We Dance……Around the Issues?

Once I became the parent of a child with a mental illness and neurological issues, I started seeing them everywhere.  If you have a family member with any type of diagnosis, you know what I mean.  You start diagnosing everyone you come in contact with.  Even more than the world around me, I started to notice things in the worlds I escaped into…..books and movies all of a sudden had underlying themes of depression or emotional challenges.   Movies I watched as a kid and loved, no longer had as much joy to them; they were filled with sadness and struggles.

Last week I watched Shall We Dance?……the Richard Gere version.  It is a movie I had seen many times and never thought much about.  There is a line toward the end, after Gere’s character, John Clark’s, wife finds out he has been taking dance lessons secretly. He says “If I sometimes couldn’t tell you that I wasn’t happy it is because I didn’t want to hurt the person I treasure most in the world”.

Now, it probably isn’t surprising to you that I think John Clark was dealing with a horrible depression….and dancing was his anti-depressant.   Once his family found out, he was ashamed……not only of the sadness, but of the fact that the people he loved weren’t the ones he chose to help him through it.  The reason for this is that he had so much, he felt guilty that they weren’t enough to make him happy.

depression

Why I am I breaking down this Saturday afternoon matinée to you all? Well, I think it is a good way to explain why parents are sometimes the last ones to know that their child has been dealing with depression.  Suicide has become an epidemic in our country….especially for teenagers and young adults.  According to the CDC, approximately 4600 young people between the ages of 10-24 take their lives every year.  Last year, Ebola took 2 lives in our country and it was headline news…..people were talking about it….everywhere.  Why don’t we talk about the 4600 young people losing their lives?

There are so many people out there thinking “not my kid”.  Honestly, a lot of the teenagers that are attempting or following through with their suicide plans are kids that no body would expect to.  Honor society, athletes, class officers, club presidents…..no one is immune to depression.  It’s these kids I fear for the most, they are alone in their struggle.  So many times we hear about a young person taking their life and people around them say, I thought he was fine or I thought she was happy.  They kept their sadness hidden from the people they loved……why?  I think so many of them were like John Clark, afraid to tell anyone that, even with all of the good in their lives, they still aren’t happy.

My son is diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  In a way, that makes me one of the lucky parents.  I know what to look for in my son’s moods.  I know what changes in his temperament might mean.  I also make sure to talk to my son about his emotions on a regular basis.  In truth, in our house, we talk about emotions just as often as we have precautionary conversations about drugs, sex or social media.  Would I have included it in our regular conversation if he didn’t have a diagnosis? Probably not.  Nobody would have clued me in on the importance of mental health education to our kids.  Even once I had a child with a mental health diagnosis, I had no suggestions on how to talk to my son about his feelings.  I was handed a prescription and told to call if it didn’t help.  If I didn’t start doing research on my own as to how to effectively communicate with my son, I would probably have had a child that is one of the 4600.

We need to talk to our children……all of us…..and we need to start when they are young.  We need to let them know that sadness is a normal part of growing up, but sometimes it can get so bad that we have a hard time finding happiness again.  As they get older, we need to explain a little more in-depth about depression and how it can affect people.  Not only so they know for themselves, but so they can be aware of changes in their friends, too.  We need to let them know that we will listen without judgement and help them in any way we can.

Until we start talking to our kids about their emotional health, how can we expect them to talk to us? If they don’t start talking to us, how can we prevent next year’s 4600 deaths?

 

Week of Hell……Feeling Scorched

holland

Last week I was introduced to an essay written almost 20 years ago that will resonate with parents of special needs kiddos for years to come.  It is titled Welcome to Holland and I thought I would share it with you:

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

********

It is a lovely essay and a lovely sentiment, but you know what? I would love to go to Holland!!!!! Lately I feel that my Italy trip was interrupted when a plane landed me right in the middle of the Sahara.  I keep seeing the image of what could be a happy and healthy future for my son, only to find that it was a freaking mirage. That nice long refreshing drink of water I thought I was going to have ended up as sand in my face…..and hair and eyes and shoes.  Then a wind storm kicks up and I am being pelted from every which way, like tiny bits of glass trying to eat away at my skin.  Even when the wind dies down, you are in the hot, unrelenting sun.  There is no relief, no oasis….but then you see the happy mirage again.  It is an endless cycle.

This week my son started his sophomore year of high school.  It has been a week of hell around here.  His school only has a 4 day week…..and he already missed 2 of them.  The anticipation and anxiety of school starting was more than he could take and Monday night he woke up having an anxiety attack……and then woke up Tuesday morning with one, as well.  Wednesday seemed to be fine, so I was surprised with his absolute reluctance to go this morning.  After about 3 hours of arguing with him, I gave up.  I know, it was a horrible parental move….but I just got to the point where I couldn’t argue any more.  I know how much he hates school, how it is like torture for him every day…..but I also know that he needs it to have any kind of future as a productive member of society.  We have tried home school, public school, a combo of online school and public school and now we are trying a small private school.  There is nowhere else to go…….we are out of options in our financial reach.   After all of our struggles over the past few years and his many threats of dropping out, for the first time I truly believed that he wouldn’t make it to the end of this journey.

I had to alter my idea of what success was for my son many years ago.  I also had to alter my idea of what I thought a successful parent looked like.  You know the idea you have when your child is born……they will grow up, be so much smarter than you, go on to college, have a great career and be a happy healthy adult……and you were the awesome, cool parent that got them there.  That idea changes when you have a child with a mental illness.  All of a sudden getting them through school without substance abuse, run-ins with the law or suicide is success….if they do well academically along the way, well, that’s just icing on the cake.

For some reason, even though school has been a challenge,  I always knew I would see my child in a cap and gown.  This week, for the first time ever, I have come to the realization that it probably won’t happen.  It was a huge blow to me.  I have been telling myself that if I could at least get him that far, I have done a decent job as a parent.  What does it mean if I can’t get him there? Was all of this fighting, with him and with the school system to ensure that he had the best education for nothing?  Where do we go from here?

So, I sit here in the Sahara.  Knowing that a rescue plane is not in the near future and just hoping that I remembered enough sun block because I burn easily.

sahara