I know it’s been ages, but I am back. I am not promising that it will be continual, but I am going to try my best to make an effort on a more regular basis.
We have had a strange year where life got flipped upside down. My kiddo CJ is the healthiest he has ever been. HE made the decision to try life off of all of his meds, he worked it out with his doctor and stepped down in February/March. Other than a bit of hoarding (which we are working on) and general energy mania, his bipolar is in check. No violent mania, no meltdowns or outbursts, no angry confrontations…..well, none that any other teenager wouldn’t have. So, now we need to make up for lost time in the schooling department and try to get him to catch up so he can graduate on time this year. He is still homeschooling and in charge of his own ‘plan’ so we will see how well this year goes. Our deal is, if he doesn’t hold his own by December, he enrolls in a GED course, since he is studying for that as well.
The upside down part was actually me. The first thing I dealt with were some health challenges….a lump and biopsy (which turned out fine) and a neurological challenge (which is permanent, but treatable). I don’t usually get political on this blog, but the election last year really messed me up. I have dealt with depression in the past and had been dealing with a bit of it since being laid off in 2015, but election season triggered something for me that I wasn’t expecting. First the ‘boys will be boys’ and ‘locker room talk’ comments brought up a situation from my middle school years that directly caused me to have an eating disorder and self-esteem issues I have been battling for 30 years (I will probably write about that in another post)….but then election day itself….oh my. I woke up on election day feeling energized, I went to sleep feeling numb…..like it wasn’t real. I had to run errands the next day. I found myself questioning everybody I saw, thinking “Did you do this? Are you the reason this man is leading our country?”. Thinking that way made me terribly sad. I had many family and friends who did and I couldn’t feel that way. I am a firm believer that this world is so great because we all have different opinions and thoughts. I can’t walk through it wanting everybody to think like me……isn’t that the whole point of an election, so we have choices? I kept trying to talk myself out of how sad it made me…..but it wouldn’t work.
On top of all this, I was still trying to find permanent work. I had interviewed 3 times over the course of 8 months for a job I know I would have been amazing at. Due to some very bizarre reasons I wouldn’t get the position….then it would come available again….they would bring me in to interview, again….then I wouldn’t get it…..again. The last time they actually called me and said “If we open it back up, when would you be able to start?” but I still didn’t get it. Prior to this job search experience, I had gotten every interview I had ever applied for…..and almost every job. In the past year or so, I have applied for 60 jobs…..I have interviewed for 3. I know that part of that has to do with the fact that we now live in the Atlanta area……but then I start to wonder…..is it just that???
After this last rejection I sunk into the deepest depression I have ever been in in my entire life. I felt useless. I couldn’t get a job….my son was healthy now and didn’t need me any more…..I wasn’t a productive member of my family or society……I was in a very dark place for a few weeks didn’t speak to the outside world, didn’t leave my house, barely left my bedroom…..and nobody knew. I came to the realization that, over the years of my son’s illness, I have lost friends and became very reluctant at making new ones…..so I have few. With our life having been a rollercoaster for so many years, friendships can be hard to maintain. So, I sat by myself in my room…….and my phone didn’t ring. That made me even more sad, to realize that I literally could disappear and it wouldn’t change the outside world. My husband was incredibly worried about me. Here was the girl who teaches other parents about self-care and mental health education, laying in bed all day, doing nothing. I had to find a way to help myself. I ended up starting another blog called Head Space and Heart Space. This one was for me and my mental health, if others happen to enjoy stuff that shows up on there, all the better. It’s crafts, food and photography.
Having something to focus on got me out of bed. It forced me to put my energy into a project. A few weeks later, I got a call about a resume I had submitted to a mental health non-profit as an educator, something I am passionate about. They wanted me to come in for an interview. After my previous experience, I was incredibly nervous. The interview entailed me designing a class presentation on a mental health topic and presenting it as though to a class of parents.
I knew I did well at the interview. I left feeling like I rocked it….but still, I second guessed my ability to get the job. My self-esteem had been stomped on and made me doubt myself. It only took them two days to call me and offer me the job. I started this week. I will be traveling all over the state educating teachers, mental health professionals, lawyers, social workers……and anybody else who is willing to listen. There is knowledge to be had from the people who live it everyday……and now I have the chance to do that.
One of the things I have realized in all of this is that, for 17 years, I have not only been a mom…..I have been a mom in crisis. I don’t know how to live a life of exploration and independence for myself. In the journey my son and I have taken, there were many things I had to give up to raise him in the best way I knew how. I would do it again in a heartbeat…..but now, I have to find a way to regain a little bit of myself. My new job is a part of that. I will be traveling often, so it gives us the opportunity to cut the apron strings while he is still at home. It will give CJ a chance to seize more responsibility for himself, I hope. Maybe it will give us both the wings we need to move forward to the next stage of life.
*My thoughts are not the thoughts of my employer, Mental Health America of GA